


Lost in the Dark

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Series: Kanera Prompts [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Hera Syndulla Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Post-Episode: s02e21-22 Twilight of the Apprentice, Prompt Fic, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25479598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: Tumblr prompt fromthis list#10: Things you said that made me feel like shitKanan's struggling to come to terms with his reality. Hera tries to help, but it hurts, too.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus & Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Series: Kanera Prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845700
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71





	Lost in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Another request from Tumblr. I love these prompts so much and I was so inspired I wound up writing 2 in one night. More coming soon!

They’re still in the medbay. Kanan is sitting quietly on the small table, trying to ignore the odd cold sensation of the bacta on his eyes, and the way his heart sits uncomfortably in his throat. 

Everything is dark now. They broke the news to him yesterday, that he would never see again. He’s trapped like this, doomed to stumble around the galaxy despite his supernatural abilities and prowess in the Force. He feels like there’s a cloud hanging over his head, his sadness and fear coalescing into a physical object.

He can’t fight. Can’t fly the  _ Ghost.  _ Can’t teach Ezra. Can’t help Hera on missions. Everything he took for granted is now lost to him forever, and he feels his lip trembling despite his useless tear ducts. 

Logically, he knows he’ll adapt. There are ways, things he can do to get around his blindness. But now, he just feels useless, utterly worthless to Hera and the kids, and he doesn’t know how he’ll keep being what they need him to be. 

Kanan feels a hand twine with his suddenly, while the other helps him off the medbay table. He tenses involuntarily; he didn’t hear anyone coming at first. But then he hears Hera’s voice, telling him they’re finished poking and prodding at him, and they can go back to the Ghost. He goes willingly, shamelessly turning towards the sound of her voice and reaching for her. Hera’s presence is like a beacon in the dark, her emotions always so clear to him no matter where she is. He holds onto it now; it’s the only thing keeping him from floating away completely. 

His mind is hazy as she guides him off the medical frigate and back to the  _ Ghost.  _ He has a sea of questions, doubts, and fears, and they’re playing on a loop in his head.  _ What’s Ezra going to do now? Who’s going to tease Sabine about her art? Why would Hera keep me around now? Who’s going to spar with Zeb? _

He wishes he hadn’t taken so much for granted, now. 

In a daze, he hears the hatch open and they step back onto the  _ Ghost.  _ She lets him go briefly, and he’s half-ashamed at the way he reaches for her. Her lips are against his cheek as she murmurs that she’ll only be a second; the medic has to tell her one more thing. 

He stands still, waiting for her to come back, not steady enough to try navigating on his own. He’s liable to trip and make everything worse. 

In the quiet, Kanan realizes he can hear the murmur of voices. If he strains his hearing just right, he can just make out Hera’s low tone, and he struggles to make out the words. 

“-thank you, doctor.” That voice is what drew him to her in the first place, all those years ago, and it’s what he holds onto now, like a lifeboat in the ocean. 

“Don’t thank me,” the medic says bitterly. “I wish there was more we could do.” But there isn’t, there never would be. This is a lightsaber wound– he’s lucky his head is still attached.

“You know.” The doctor sounded apprehensive, unsure, and Kanan’s heart inexplicably leaps to his throat. “That’s going to be a gnarly scar. He won’t be pretty to look at.”

Kanan grimaces. He isn’t a particularly vain person, but he would be lying if he said he isn’t upset about the scar.  _ But why should I be? It’s not like I’ll ever see it, _ he thinks bitterly. 

“I don’t care what he looks like!” Hera’s mad now, he can hear it in her voice. She’s using that fierce tone she only ever uses when something irritates her. He knows that, knows Hera isn’t with him for his looks, but it’s still nice to hear her say it nonetheless. 

But then– “I care about him being able to live his life and be normal again!” 

And  _ that  _ one stings, in a way he can’t really explain. The lump in his throat is back, and even though his tear ducts are still healing, he suddenly feels like crying. He can hear the pain in her voice, feel it radiating from her even from here, and he sinks to the floor as a wave of anguish suddenly takes him over. Because nothing,  _ nothing  _ would ever be normal, not now. This is going to change everything, make everything more difficult. And he hates that she’s in pain because of him. 

She doesn’t deserve this. He’s done nothing but make her life difficult since he came onto her ship. She’s always taking care of everyone, and he’s always prided himself on being there to take care of  _ her _ while she does. But who’s going to take care of her now, when he’s been reduced to this?

“Kanan?” He can hear her next to him from where he’s sitting on the floor. His mouth is open like he wants to say something, but there’s so much tenderness in her voice that it breaks whatever composure he has left. He’s desperate suddenly, reaching for her and burying his face in her neck like she’s the only thing tethering him to reality. Because she  _ is,  _ she always has been, and he’s suddenly immensely grateful for her, grateful that she’s still here. He can’t cry, not until his tear ducts heal, but his breaths are coming in quick, hitching sobs anyway. He feels her hands on his back, rubbing in a soothing circular pattern that she knows he likes. 

“It’s never going to be normal,” he says. “I don’t–”  _ I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be what you need. I don’t know how to help Ezra. I don’t know… anything.  _ “I’m  _ sorry.”  _

“Don’t you  _ dare _ be sorry.” Now she’s cupping his face, and he reaches to trace the contours of hers with his fingertips. It confirms his suspicions– she’s giving him that look she only uses when he’s being an idiot, and he can’t help but pull her close again. “It’s not going to be the same, maybe. But we’ll adapt, love. We always do.” 

“Hera-” 

“Shh. It’s alright.” 

He’s shaking in her arms as she sits with him. It can’t be the most comfortable position for her, kneeling on the cool metal floor of the ship, but she’s pulling his hair loose and running her fingers through it. She’s trying to calm him down as he hiccups his sobs into her neck, and he’s overcome by how utterly lucky he is. 

He wishes he had her strength. She always manages to have so much faith, in him and the galaxy alike, and as much as he trusts the Force, he’s never been able to do that. Not like her. She grounds him, she always has. She believes in him so strongly it makes him ache, because the part of his brain that’s drowning in self-loathing and regret thinks that he’s always done nothing but disappoint her. 

“What good am I now, Hera?” It comes out as little more than a broken whisper. 

“Love, stop. Please.” Now  _ she  _ sounds like she’s crying, and it hurts him more, knowing that she’s upset because of him– _ for _ him. “You’re plenty good, you know that. I need you here, no matter what.” He can’t deny the part of him that immediately feels better at hearing her say that, but the other part of him can’t accept it. “We just need to give it time.”

She stays with him, lets him cling to her hard enough that he suspects he’s leaving bruises. But she doesn’t say anything, just clutches him even tighter, pressing kisses against his forehead and cheeks as she strokes his hair. And Kanan knows that she’s right, but right now it’s all he can do to keep himself upright as the stress and exhaustion of the past few days slams into him in one wave. 

But Hera’s always been his anchor, the one thing he can always draw strength from, and right now that’s enough. It has to be.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, feedback is love. 
> 
> Feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/targaryenjedii) or [Tumblr](https://batmanwholaughss.tumblr.com/) if you'd like to stay in touch <3


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